“Life is hard. After all, it kills you. — Katharine Hepburn”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. — Winnie the Pooh”

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy”

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. — Steve Martin”

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg”

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball”

“When I hear somebody sigh that life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what? — Sydney J. Harris”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams”

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. — Tina Fey”

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. — Jack Handey”

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. — Douglas Adams”

“Life isn’t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk. — Darynda Jones”

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde”

“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey”

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde. — Dolly Parton”

“He’s always asking: Is that new? I haven’t seen that before. It’s like, why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet. — Michelle Obama”

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell”

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde”

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. — Chris Rock”

“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office. — B. Birdsong”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller”

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. — Greg Tamblyn”

“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families. — Anonymous”

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. — Nora Ephron”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. — Jerry Seinfeld”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? — Robin Williams”

“A study in the Washington Post says women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: duh. — Conan O’Brien”

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Noel Coward”

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. — David Lee Roth”

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out. — Anonymous”

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers”

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. — Steven Wright”

“Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring. How to Build a Boat. — Steven Wright”

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. — Zach Galifianakis”

“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. — Judith Martin”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein”

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road. — Stephen Hawking”

“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away. — Stephen Hawking”

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov”

“The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. — Terry Pratchett”

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Groucho Marx”

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting. — Mark Twain”

“This book was written using 100% recycled words. — Terry Pratchett”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. — Bob Hope”

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. — Jack Whitehall”

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin”

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. — Paula Poundstone”

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. — Doug Larson”

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. — Tina Fey”

“I just realized that letting me check my calendar is the adult version of let me ask my mom. — Noelle Chatham”

“A good rule to remember for life: when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. — Graham Norton”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns”

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. — George Burns”

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball”

“The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. — Casey Stengel”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams”

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. — Reba McEntire”

“People at the top of the mountain didn’t fall there. — Marcus Washling”

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me. — Charlie Brown”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Flip Wilson”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. — Billy Sunday”

“People say, but Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends. Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board. — Betty White”

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. — Jack Whitehall”