“Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a reminder from social media.”

“Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.”

“Smart, good looking, and funny. But enough about me. Happy birthday!”

“It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer. Fun fact!”

“Happy birthday! Can you believe we used to think people our age were adults and had their lives in order?”

“Congratulations on getting slightly older!”

“Well done – you have still been alive for several years!”

“You’re a really hard individual to shop for… so I didn’t get you anything. Happy birthday!”

“Happy birthday to the only person I would rescue in the event of a zombie apocalypse.”

“May your phone be filled with birthday wishes from people you’ve never met, haven’t seen in years, or genuinely couldn’t care less about.”

“On your birthday, don’t forget to set goals that are sky high and spend the rest of the year miserably trying to build a rocket to get there.”

“Right, let’s get you so drunk that you end up believing it’s my birthday and buying me drinks all night!”

“I regret to inform you that your childhood has EXPIRED.”

“Birthdays are like spotting Bigfoot. You really do want to see them, but you’re a little afraid of what they’ll look like.”

“If you look back through all the years you’ve lived, the first thing you’ll notice is that you need a telescope.”

“At least you’re not as old as you will be next year… if you make it!”

“If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them!”

“You’ve officially reached the age when every compliment you get is usually followed by ‘for your age’. You’re still looking great though… for your age!”

“As you get older, three things happen. The first thing is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

“Don’t worry about your age… alcohol will make it all better!”

“I’ve decided to stop making age jokes on your birthday now… you’ve reached the age where it’s genuinely not funny anymore.”

“Just remember, the more candles on the cake, the bigger the cake you’ll get! Now who’s laughing?”

“Remember that growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”

“Another year older and you’re one step closer to getting those Velcro shoes!”

“Remember that age is just a number… just a really, REALLY high one in your case!”

“We all knew this day was coming. It’s best to just suck it up and accept that it’s no longer acceptable for you to eat a happy meal in public.”

“Happy birthday! Let’s celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else’s bed.”

“I hope you have a happy annual celebration of escaping your mum’s uterus. I wish you never have to return to your dark underwater prison again.”

“Birthdays are like bogeys. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe!”

“I hope your birthday is better than walking through a fart with your mouth open.”

“I hope you celebrate your birthday the way you came into this world, naked and screaming!”

“Some say that age is just a number. I say that’s bullsh**. I mean, you’re getting really old. Happy birthday anyway.”

“Happy birthday… congratulations on now being of the age where you can understand the horror of waking yourself up with your own fart!”

“You might be old, but you’re still a d***.”

“Older and wiser… but still a bit of a pr***.”

“Some things are better with age. Too bad you aren’t one of them.”

“Have a mucking farvellous birthday!”

“You’re the least famous person I know of who was born on your birthday.”

“I couldn’t think of a message that would make you laugh for your birthday card… you’re too boring.”

“I hope your birthday is better than the card I sent you.”

“Seriously, I don’t know how many more of your birthdays I can handle.”

“Another year older… and you still can’t grow a beard.”

“Getting someone as awesome as me to send a birthday message to you has undoubtedly been your biggest achievement this year.”

“Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity. You are truly an inspiration.”

“Happy birthday! Here is a piece of card to show you how little I care.”

“What are you so happy about? It’s your birthday and you are going to have to spend a lot of money to keep us happy. At least have fun doing it!”

“Life was meant to be celebrated more often than just one day a year. Man, you’re missing opportunities the other 364 days!”

“I decided to keep having birthdays because it beats the alternative… Death.”

“If I made fun of how many years old you are, it would be beyond funny.”

“I know you had lots of birthday wishes yesterday, but who is thinking of you today? Me, that’s who. Happy belated birthday!”

“I’m sorry my birthday wishes are belated. I honestly didn’t think you’d live this long. Happy birthday!”

“Sorry I wasn’t there with you to mourn the loss of your youth. Happy birthday!”

“It’s not your fault, buddy. No one can help the fact that you’re growing old, and that I totally forgot. Happy belated birthday!”

“You’re amazing, wise, super cool, fantastic, brilliant, intelligent – but don’t get too excited. I’m only saying all these things because I’m a couple of days late! Happy birthday!”

“It wasn’t my fault… Facebook forgot to remind me about your birthday!”

“It’s so tough to believe that you are getting older, that I decided to wish you a happy birthday late this year.”

“Sorry I missed your birthday… hopefully you’ll have another one next year.”

“Two things that are inevitable for any living person are birthdays and taxes.”

“Birthdays are like cheese. They stink more the older they get.”

“Ageing is the worst side effect of birthdays.”

“There’s really only one true birthday. The rest are simply anniversaries of the day of a person’s birth.”

“Birthdays are like vacations. You don’t have one too often and they come and go too quickly.”

“The old pessimist focuses on his growing number. The old optimist focuses on his growing blessings.”

“Getting older is just part of life… and the other parts are even worse.”

“The older you get, the more disoriented your hair gets. Once it leaves your head, it seems to get lost.”

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened.”

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“At your age, getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot.”

“You’re not old. You’re a classic. Just like a car that needs more maintenance.”