50+ Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Make Your Holiday Memorable

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.’ – Mitch Hedberg”

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. – Phyllis Diller”

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast. – Charlie Brown”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. – Rita Rudner”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller”

“What does a turkey do when he gets angry? He gets the stuffing knocked out of him! – Lewis Black”

“If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed – like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese. – Ted Nugent”

“Save a turkey, eat pizza! – Sandra Shea”

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. – Kevin James”

“Thanksgiving … that is all about overeating. One of the main dishes is actually called ‘stuffing.’ Stuffing? What names did they turn down? ‘Cram-it-in?’ ‘Eat-till-you-can’t-breathe?’ – Jim Gaffigan”

“It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour. – Lorelai Gilmore”

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it. – Robert Brault”

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. – Jay Leno”

“The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we all can agree so vehemently about? I don’t think so. – Nora Ephron”

“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? – Erma Bombeck”

“Thanksgiving, the day where there’s never enough food. You can’t just have a turkey. No, there has to be a roast beef or a ham too. Or both. It’s the only day we have mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes. – Lewis Black”

“The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself. – Louis C.K.”

“Overeating at Thanksgiving is a case in point. It’s a national tradition. – Eric Samuel Timm”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. – Erma Bombeck”

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations. – Oscar Wilde”

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. – Stephen Colbert”

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. – Erma Bombeck”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the eons, it’s that you can’t give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. – Rick Riordan”

“You don’t get over food relationship issues when you’re in an Italian family. – Ray Romano”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. – Rita Rudner”

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. – Wayne Huizenga”

“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. – Stephen Colbert”

“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home. – Melanie White”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. – Jerry Seinfeld”

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’ – Jim Gaffigan”

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson”

“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. – Craig Ferguson”

“Keep your friends close, but your relatives at a distance during Thanksgiving dinner. – David Letterman”

“Family gathering: A time when relatives you haven’t seen all year magically appear just in time to critique your life choices. – Jen Lancaster”

“Give thanks for elastic waistbands. – Dave Barry”

“On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime. – George Will”

“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating. – John Walters”

“What’s not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good! – Joey Tribbiani”

“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. – Damien Fahey”

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. – Michael Dresser”

“Thanksgiving is the meal we aspire for other meals to resemble. – Jonathan Safran Foer”

“It’s not the minutes spent at the Thanksgiving table that put on weight, it’s the seconds. – Unknown”

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. – Jim Davis”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C. Fields”

“Forever on Thanksgiving the heart will find the pathway home. – Wilbur D. Nesbit”

“Life is all about balance. The goal is to eat the whole pie and still be able to button your pants. – Sarah Dessen”

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food. – George Bernard Shaw”

“When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup. – Sam Lefkowitz”

“Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are. – Gloria Fallon”

“It’s funny how you can tell you’re getting older when your idea of happy hour is a nap before dinner. – Bill Murray”

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet”

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that. – Howie Mandel”

“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out. – Nicole Hollander”

“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. – Jay McInerney”

“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun. – Conan O’Brien”

“Thanksgiving: when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White”

“The great thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s not associated with giving presents to your friends. It’s about giving thanks with your friends. – Bob Simmons”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns”

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one who ate three plates of turkey!’ – Jim Harper”

“Friends are the family we choose to eat excessive amounts of turkey with. – Jennifer Aniston”

“A friendship that can survive Thanksgiving dinner can probably survive anything. – Unknown”

“Real friendship is when you both reach for the last dinner roll and then laugh about it. – Chelsea Handler”

“Nothing better than friends who understand that Thanksgiving calories don’t count. – Fay Collins”

“True friends don’t let you eat Thanksgiving dinner alone… they help you demolish it. – Jimmy Fallon”

“Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house on Thanksgiving and doesn’t judge you for eating pie straight from the tin. – Jim Harper”

“May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump. May your potatoes ‘n gravy have nary a lump.”

“Here’s to a day of football, family, and far too much food!”

“I wish you a happy Thanksgiving filled with endless laughter, mouth-watering food and your annoying aunt having to leave early.”

“May your Thanksgiving be blessed with the presence of loved ones, the warmth of memories, and the comfort of a full stomach!”

“You’re totally my favorite family.”

“May your heart be as full as your plate this Thanksgiving!”

“Hope your Thanksgiving is filled with love, laughter, and lots of pie!”

“Here’s hoping you survive another family Thanksgiving without starting a food fight!”

“Friends who feast together, stay together.”

“Here’s to family, friends, and food coma. Another great year coming up!”

“Hope your Thanksgiving is as sweet as the pumpkin pie and as fun as the wishbone fight!”

“May your day be filled with turkey, touchdown passes and plenty of reasons to be thankful.”

“Remember: Thanksgiving is a time to count blessings, not calories.”

“If there’s leftover pie, then you’re just not trying hard enough, my friend.”