“ Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen ”

“ The road to success is always under construction. — Lily Tomlin ”

“ I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams ”

“ By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost ”

“ The best part about going to work is coming back home at the end of the day. — Unknown ”

“ Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow. — Don Herold ”

“ Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. — Robert Orben ”

“ Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. — Robert Benchley ”

“ The elevator to success is out of order. You will have to use the stairs one step at a time. — Joe Girard ”

“ No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early. — Groucho Marx ”

“ If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point being a damn fool about it. — W.C. Fields ”

“ Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. — Thomas Edison ”

“ I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand ways that won’t work. — Thomas Edison ”

“ The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph. — Marvin Phillips ”

“ Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. — Earl Wilson ”

“ People say nothing is impossible. But I do nothing every day. — A.A. Milne ”

“ If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. — Claude MacDonald ”

“ Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring. — Steve Maraboli ”

“ The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. — Vince Lombardi ”

“ I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode. ”

“ I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. We have an understanding. ”

“ There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. — Henry Kissinger ”

“ I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. — Charles Lamb ”

“ My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. — Unknown ”

“ The most dangerous animal in the office is the person who has nothing to lose and a full inbox. — Unknown ”

“ Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. — Elbert Hubbard ”

“ Life is hard. After all, it kills you. — Katharine Hepburn ”

“ Reality continues to ruin my life. — Bill Watterson ”

“ I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time. — Charles M. Schulz ”

“ Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. — Stephen Hawking ”

“ When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party. — Ron White ”

“ You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West ”

“ I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. — Mark Twain ”

“ Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. — Allen Saunders ”

“ The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Bill Watterson ”

“ I believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. But first find someone whose life gave them tequila and have a party. — Unknown ”

“ Never follow anyone else’s path unless you are in the woods and you are lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. — Ellen DeGeneres ”

“ As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. — Sir Norman Wisdom ”

“ You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. — Bob Hope ”

“ The older you get, the better you get. Unless you are a banana. — Betty White ”

“ I love being married. It is so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner ”

“ Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell ”

“ Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx ”

“ When your children are teenagers, it is important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. — Nora Ephron ”

“ Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller ”

“ Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey ”

“ Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Mark Twain ”

“ A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body. — Jim Hayes ”

“ Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. — Oprah Winfrey ”

“ Friends are God’s way of apologizing for your family. — Wayne Dyer ”

“ It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. — Ralph Waldo Emerson ”

“ Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, What! You too? I thought I was the only one. — C.S. Lewis ”

“ There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. — Linda Grayson ”

“ A true friend thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked. — Bernard Meltzer ”

“ Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with. — Robert Brault ”

“ Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That is one of my mottos. — Stanley Hudson, The Office ”

“ Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way. — Michael Scott, The Office ”

“ We need to remember what is important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third. — Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation ”

“ Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV. — Morty, Rick and Morty ”

“ To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. — Homer Simpson, The Simpsons ”

“ I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? — Chandler Bing, Friends ”

“ I love a good nap. Sometimes it is the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. — George Costanza, Seinfeld ”

“ Live every week like it is Shark Week. — Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock ”

“ If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. — Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld ”

“ I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They are my first favorite kind of chance. — Jessica Day, New Girl ”

“ Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. — Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ”

“ My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. — Forrest Gump ”

“ A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. — Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ”

“ A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why sometimes in life it is the only weapon we have. — Who Framed Roger Rabbit ”

“ You want to get out of the hole? First you are going to have to put down the shovel. — Incredibles 2 ”

“ Just keep swimming. — Finding Nemo ”

“ Today is a good day to try. — The Hunchback of Notre Dame ”

“ I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright ”

“ I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. — Unknown ”

“ My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. — Dave Barry ”

“ I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg ”

“ Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? — Robin Williams ”

“ Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. — Bill Murray ”

“ Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. — Unknown ”

“ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. — Steven Wright ”

“ The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse. — Unknown ”

“ Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. — Betty White ”

“ Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to fall asleep right now. — Unknown ”

“ We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. — Unknown ”

“ I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7am while in track pants. Nobody cares. — Unknown ”

“ My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. — Unknown ”

“ I was going to take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again. — Unknown ”

“ The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. — Demetri Martin ”

“ Monday is just a reminder that the weekend was too short and that life is a cruel joke. — Unknown ”

“ Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They are about to announce the lottery numbers. — Homer Simpson, The Simpsons ”

“ Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain ”

“ People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That is why we recommend it daily. — Zig Ziglar ”

“ I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. — Albert Einstein ”

“ I am not lazy. I am just very comfortable with doing nothing. — Unknown ”

“ The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into a meeting. — Unknown ”

“ I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too. — Unknown ”

“ Adulting is like folding a fitted sheet. Nobody really knows how. — Unknown ”

“ The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. — Bill Murray ”

“ I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out. — Unknown ”

“ I can survive on coffee and sarcasm until noon. After that I need actual food and genuine human kindness. — Unknown ”

“ My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do. — Unknown ”

“ I do not need an alarm clock. My anxiety has me covered. — Unknown ”

“ Rice is great when you are hungry and you want two thousand of something. — Mitch Hedberg ”

“ Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. — Miles Kington ”

“ Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. — Elbert Hubbard ”

“ Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. — Allen Saunders ”

“ If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright ”

“ Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. — Unknown ”

“ I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode. — Unknown ”

“ The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. — Mark Twain ”